I am scared of my husbands addiction! When I stop being busy and just think for a second, it actually frightens the hell out of me. I’m so scared of it, it makes me feel physically sick and I start spinning. The panic sets in whenever the words sex addict enters my mind, then I picture my husband and the two just don’t feel like they sit hand in hand.
WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!
I keep asking myself this question. Was it something I did? Am I not good enough? Was the sex not good enough? Is it becuase I am not a size 8 anymore? Is it because Im getting older?Does he not love me? Does he not love his family? Does he not love his life? He always told me he did, I always believed he did.
I’m not one to feel sorry for myself, in fact I run my life in the complete opposite way. Head down and push on, there is always someone worse off then you, always remember how lucky you are, be thankful for all you have. But in current times I keep saying this self-pitying sentence over and over.
I went to my first counselling session yesterday! What a load of rubbish that was!
What shocked me most was I didn’t cry, not even close to one tiny tear. I feel like I am detaching conversations I’m having now when it comes to the addiction. The counsellor, my parents and my best friend. Its like on the outside to everyone else I have switched all my emotions off and I am doing fine and on the inside I’m screaming with that raw, heartbroken emotion which feels like is tearing me apart….but no one can hear or see it, I won’t let them.
I didn’t feel like I got much from the session at all, in fact I felt she was telling me to leave him there and then. In which I replied do you really think, in my current emotional state I should make such a big decision that will change my daughter’s little life forever? She said she has worked with addicts and they always relapse, statistically I have a 98% chance that my relationship will fail anyway and then I would have wasted another couple of years. Surly in which case I owe that 2% to my daughter to try to understand her fathers problem before I give up on him completely?
He is still adamant he loves me, his life, his family but can addiction and love go hand in hand. This is the hardest thing for me to understand. Will I forever be pushed to one side because my husbands addiction will always come first? He is scared witless about the enormity of it I know that much.
Some will say I am mad but one decision I have made is I’m not going anywhere yet, not until I have figured out my feelings and understand why this has actually happened. For now I’m going to keep my head down and push on.
I just have a lot of homework to do…starting with A House Interrupted. Lets see if this book sheds any light on my current situation.