Open up to me, tell me whats in your head, please!!! I’m begging you, I want to know everything, every seedy, tiny, life drawing detail. I want to know, what you did, what you said, what you looked at, what you are a participant of. I want to know so I can know you again.
These are the words I want to say, but I don’t and I keep asking myself why? The trouble is I know why, it hurts too much and really does it matter? I know the problem, I know what he has been doing so why torture myself with the details. Why self inflict more pain when I’m in agony already.
Everyday, he opens up a little more. Today he said ‘I don’t know what I like or enjoy anymore’ Its all been numbed by the addiction because nothing makes him feel the way that does. Not even me. His relationships that once surrounded him have all gone, he has no social group now, no male friends whatsoever. The relationship with his family is non-existent unless its to do with my daughter. He has never progressed in his job and has always stayed comfortable so he can maintain minimal efforts and spend his time doing what his addiction takes him too. How did I not see the signs that there was a huge problem here? Oh because addicts are incredibly manipulative and secretive and he has always manage to hide it, that’s why!
I’m finding it all very…. sad. Sad for him, sad for me, sad for everyone who has been pushed away by him over the years.
I still wonder if I am a cause, is it or was it my fault? But then he has been doing this way before he even met me so why am I questioning myself. I keep questioning the reason we have been drawn to one another. Maybe I am not emotionally available (what does that even mean anyway) so when he needs me I push him away and send him packing off to his black bubble.
I try to find comparison but find it hard to compare it to any other addictions, alcohol, drugs, gambling all of which you can see the effects of. Sex addiction is very hard to see because unless he is camped out in front of a computer screen 24 hours a day, or I catch him in the act of bed hopping how would I know? Most of the addiction traits my husband has, are all very easy to hide because of accessibility. What has shocked me most though, is he no longer masturbates over it, I find this so odd because then why does he do it?
I’m still here though, still looking at him with devastation wondering where my beloved husband has gone and that life of normality which has disintegrated before my eyes. I am still here, still wrapping my arms around him in the dark moments when I see utter despair in his eyes over the sheer enormity of which this issue has become. I will always be here for him, with him or not, because that’s what love does, it sits your arse on the back burner and puts that person first because they mean the world to you. The strangest thing after all this and everything he has done and knowing I will never be loved back the same – I still bloody love him!!! Many would read this blog and say your mad and actually I would have to agree but that’s love for you, it gets you into all heaps of trouble.