I started writing this blog when the poker was burning hot and poking me all over constantly every time I looked at him, felt his presence, read his name on the screen of my phone, woke up alone in bed but since then I have been on some journey. The question most people ask, are you still together? Well we will get to that point because what I have realised is there is no destination point only the journey and boy what a journey it has been these last 18 months.
Is he the victim…. or am I?
When I last checked it was me who got dealt the card… wife of a sex addict, married to a man who has lied, cheated and manipulated his way through our marriage to get his kicks and thrills.
It is me who now questions every conversation, every special moment, every time I felt truly happy and realises that everything important wasn’t real because it has a side helping of lies.
It is me who wonders how I’m going to make this family work when I look into my daughters eyes and understand that my feelings and life goals and general self-worth had to be put to one side so she can have a shot of a normal family unit.
It is me who sits alone when he goes to-night work and question whether all this sex addict dilemma we are faced with is actually a cover up so he can carry on with his bubble, safely as I am under the proviso he is getting “help”.
So when he snaps at me and tells me it feels fucking shit! That he understands what I’m going through and that he knows next time I will leave. That it feels horrible knowing everyone hates him because of his actions. He will change but then shouts because I have been at work and he hates it.
It makes me think, maybe I’m fucking stupid. If the shoe was on the other foot and I had done all this to him….. I would …..No I just wouldn’t.
When am I gonna be enough? Why am I waiting for happiness to come?
There is no happiness, just a women that once was.
Fuck this, Fuck addiction, Fuck him.
Open up to me, tell me whats in your head, please!!! I’m begging you, I want to know everything, every seedy, tiny, life drawing detail. I want to know, what you did, what you said, what you looked at, what you are a participant of. I want to know so I can know you again.
These are the words I want to say, but I don’t and I keep asking myself why? The trouble is I know why, it hurts too much and really does it matter? I know the problem, I know what he has been doing so why torture myself with the details. Why self inflict more pain when I’m in agony already.
Everyday, he opens up a little more. Today he said ‘I don’t know what I like or enjoy anymore’ Its all been numbed by the addiction because nothing makes him feel the way that does. Not even me. His relationships that once surrounded him have all gone, he has no social group now, no male friends whatsoever. The relationship with his family is non-existent unless its to do with my daughter. He has never progressed in his job and has always stayed comfortable so he can maintain minimal efforts and spend his time doing what his addiction takes him too. How did I not see the signs that there was a huge problem here? Oh because addicts are incredibly manipulative and secretive and he has always manage to hide it, that’s why!
I’m finding it all very…. sad. Sad for him, sad for me, sad for everyone who has been pushed away by him over the years.
I still wonder if I am a cause, is it or was it my fault? But then he has been doing this way before he even met me so why am I questioning myself. I keep questioning the reason we have been drawn to one another. Maybe I am not emotionally available (what does that even mean anyway) so when he needs me I push him away and send him packing off to his black bubble.
I try to find comparison but find it hard to compare it to any other addictions, alcohol, drugs, gambling all of which you can see the effects of. Sex addiction is very hard to see because unless he is camped out in front of a computer screen 24 hours a day, or I catch him in the act of bed hopping how would I know? Most of the addiction traits my husband has, are all very easy to hide because of accessibility. What has shocked me most though, is he no longer masturbates over it, I find this so odd because then why does he do it?
I’m still here though, still looking at him with devastation wondering where my beloved husband has gone and that life of normality which has disintegrated before my eyes. I am still here, still wrapping my arms around him in the dark moments when I see utter despair in his eyes over the sheer enormity of which this issue has become. I will always be here for him, with him or not, because that’s what love does, it sits your arse on the back burner and puts that person first because they mean the world to you. The strangest thing after all this and everything he has done and knowing I will never be loved back the same – I still bloody love him!!! Many would read this blog and say your mad and actually I would have to agree but that’s love for you, it gets you into all heaps of trouble.
I am scared of my husbands addiction! When I stop being busy and just think for a second, it actually frightens the hell out of me. I’m so scared of it, it makes me feel physically sick and I start spinning. The panic sets in whenever the words sex addict enters my mind, then I picture my husband and the two just don’t feel like they sit hand in hand.
WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!
I keep asking myself this question. Was it something I did? Am I not good enough? Was the sex not good enough? Is it becuase I am not a size 8 anymore? Is it because Im getting older?Does he not love me? Does he not love his family? Does he not love his life? He always told me he did, I always believed he did.
I’m not one to feel sorry for myself, in fact I run my life in the complete opposite way. Head down and push on, there is always someone worse off then you, always remember how lucky you are, be thankful for all you have. But in current times I keep saying this self-pitying sentence over and over.
I went to my first counselling session yesterday! What a load of rubbish that was!
What shocked me most was I didn’t cry, not even close to one tiny tear. I feel like I am detaching conversations I’m having now when it comes to the addiction. The counsellor, my parents and my best friend. Its like on the outside to everyone else I have switched all my emotions off and I am doing fine and on the inside I’m screaming with that raw, heartbroken emotion which feels like is tearing me apart….but no one can hear or see it, I won’t let them.
I didn’t feel like I got much from the session at all, in fact I felt she was telling me to leave him there and then. In which I replied do you really think, in my current emotional state I should make such a big decision that will change my daughter’s little life forever? She said she has worked with addicts and they always relapse, statistically I have a 98% chance that my relationship will fail anyway and then I would have wasted another couple of years. Surly in which case I owe that 2% to my daughter to try to understand her fathers problem before I give up on him completely?
He is still adamant he loves me, his life, his family but can addiction and love go hand in hand. This is the hardest thing for me to understand. Will I forever be pushed to one side because my husbands addiction will always come first? He is scared witless about the enormity of it I know that much.
Some will say I am mad but one decision I have made is I’m not going anywhere yet, not until I have figured out my feelings and understand why this has actually happened. For now I’m going to keep my head down and push on.
I just have a lot of homework to do…starting with A House Interrupted. Lets see if this book sheds any light on my current situation.
I’m going to get straight to the point, my husband is a sex addict!
I found this out all of 3 weeks ago and as a mother of a 4-year-old girl, with a life that was in my mind every inch happy, it has left me somewhat in the dark when it comes to understanding sex addiction and more importantly how this affects my marriage.
I’m am writing this blog as a form of ….education. I need to get out all the thoughts and feeling I am having because right now I want to castrate him and would have great pleasure doing so however out of the blue have had this “addiction” label thrown at me, which has again blown my mind.
Basically now I need to determine if my husband is a lying, dirty bugger or if in fact he has self-esteem issues, an addictive personality that when under pressure, depressed or lonely causes him to go to this dark place which in his case is… voyeurism, swinging websites, sexual social media platforms, porn and god knows what else.
So even if no one else ever reads this blog, I will be putting on here all of the steps I’m taking, my feelings during this time, any useful information I find and anything else that may help me un-scramble whats is now my marriage, my family and my life.
This is an additional placeholder post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post.
This is an additional placeholder post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post.
My husband the sex addict. 